


Samael

by FearTheSpork



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Comfort fic, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 06:34:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6227722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FearTheSpork/pseuds/FearTheSpork
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chloe learns something she isn't supposed to know and Lucifer finally has a breakdown.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Samael

**Author's Note:**

> More of a study of Lucifer's inner turmoil than anything else. I guess it's probably out of character but I've wanted to write something where Lucifer finally show's a bit of vulnerability. Look at it more as a 'what if' piece.
> 
> Also yes, I desperately want Chloe to find out what Lucifer used to be called.

"Your real name is Samael, isn't it?"

He froze on the spot, unsure whether or not he'd just heard her right. Had those words really left her lips? His whole body was rigid and the drink he'd been about to down was now the farthest thing from his mind.

How did she know that name?

The same name that he'd been running from for all these years. That he'd tried so hard to push away and cut from himself. Yet somehow it still came back to haunt him at the oddest of moments.

She was looking at him, head tipped to the side and eyes questioning and Heaven help him, she looked gorgeous as always. 

The way the name rolled off of her tongue made it sound divine. Made his whole being shudder with exaltation and oh, how he longed to hear her say it again. 

What would it sound like coming from her lips when he made love to her? Breathless and pleading and whispered into his ear at her climax.

Or more than likely screamed.

He wanted it, in that moment. He was still staring at her in surprise, unsure of which way his emotions were about to fall. He always was at war with himself. In the darkest of dark nights when he would think back to where home was, thinking of warm bodies and feathers. Of looking over creation and bathing in it's glory.

There it was then. 

There came the other side of a perpetually spinning coin. That name was everything he'd left behind. Everything he'd lost, been cast away from. He loathed it. Hated what it reminded him of and those dark nights always ended the same way. 

A trashed apartment and his whole body burning with longing.

For all the things he could never have again. The love and respect of his siblings. The adoration of his Father. 

All lost to him now.

He realized that one emotion had won in his head and he finally broke the tense silence that had resulted from her question.

"Where the _bloody hell_ did you hear that name?" 

His whole body shook and his voice was fierce, seething and unlike she'd ever heard it before. 

Chloe Decker unconsciously took a step back from the man in front of her and wondered what on earth had possessed her to bring up his name, today of all days.

Lux was empty, save for them and now the looming rage of Lucifer that had seemed to barge in like an unwanted third party.

She raised her hands in mock surrender, attempting to find a way to placate him. Maybe she could travel back in time and tell herself not to be an idiot. Not to even bring it up because if this was the result, then she desperately wanted to rectify her mistake.

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you-"

"I asked you where you heard that name," he ground out and advanced on her, slowly, until her back was against the bar and he was a foot from her. She'd noticed how tall he was before but it had never really been an issue. But now he was towering over her, looking so much like the fallen angel he claimed to be.

She'd never seen him like this before. 

It was bone chilling, the look he was giving her.

She was a Detective for the L.A.P.D. She was seasoned. Had seen things and faced things that would make lesser people tremble and unable to sleep at night. But none of that fazed her. She was steady, never faltered. Always ready to face down the newest threat of the day.

But right now, the unadulterated rage that had seemed to suck all the air from her lungs was making her tremble under his gaze. 

Her mouth opened and closed a few times before she barely managed to get out how she'd learned his name. 

"I overheard you and Linda talking this morning." 

The guilt in her voice was palpable and his breathing was heavy, the only thing that could be heard in the room now that she'd confessed her sin.

A vein in Lucifer's neck twitched. A sign of how close he was to losing control of himself.

He could feel his true self scream, claw at his chest and howl, desperate to surface.

How _dare_ she, it roared.

How dare this unassuming little mortal listen in on something so private? He could kill her. He _should_ kill her and prove to himself that he was still the repulsive evil creature that had fallen from grace. Be the monster. Show the world that he wasn't his Father's favourite anymore for a reason.

And he looked at her, shivering imperceptibly under the might of his rage. 

Memories flooded him. Easy conversations and teasing and laughter, all that she'd provided for him.

Fuck, how could he kill her when he-

His eyes closed tight, trying his best to reign in the anger. It worked, marginally. 

Chloe watched him travel through a range of emotions and suddenly felt the need to explain herself further. 

"I honestly didn't mean to, Lucifer I swear. I would never betray you like that..." she trailed off, feeling like absolute crap that she'd somehow managed to find out something so private. Then she'd had the gall to bring it up in conversation. 

She closed her eyes. She'd been so stupid in her fumbling quest for answers about this man.

"I walked into the waiting room, looking for you and you were having an argument. I overheard and I'm so, so sorry. I shouldn't have called you Samae-" she was cut off by his hands slamming down onto the bar on either side of her. 

His face was inches from hers and to her sheer embarrassment, she let out a squeak of fright. 

" _Don't_ say it again."

She nodded quickly, not wanting to incur anymore of his wrath. She didn't miss the way his voice shook though. The way his eyes pleaded with her not to hurt him again.

This wasn't like the day when she'd almost touched the scars on his back. 

This was like she'd plunged a knife into a raw nerve. He may have calmed a little from the initial anger but he was still tense, strung tight and when she glanced down to the bar top, she wasn't that surprised to see that he'd cracked it under the force of his hands.

"I am not him any more," he stressed, eyes boring into hers. Almost begging for her to understand.

Her whole body was pinned by his to the bar and she couldn't escape even if she wanted to. She knew how freakishly strong he was and there was no way she was leaving until he let her go. But she was a Detective for a reason. Solving mysteries that others couldn't.

Sure, she was sticking her hand into a shark tank but Lucifer was the biggest mystery she'd ever come across.

But he was also... something to her. Something that they hadn't explored yet and this was the moment that she solved him.

So she listened.

She wasn't struggling, wasn't asking to leave.

Lucifer looked at her, trying his utmost to figure out why he was reacting this way. Doctor Martin had said his name several times even when he'd asked her not to.

Maybe it was the _way_ Chloe had said it, he pondered.

He felt himself long to hear it again in a way he didn't before. He wanted to be reminded that he was changing. But he fought with himself. Warned her not to say it and he'd felt the wave of bitter disappointment when she agreed timidly. 

There was yet another chance of redemption lost to him.

Yes, he'd looked at her like she was his salvation. From that very first moment. And now she was afraid of him and he'd once again ruined his chances of being anything but a monster. His true name was forever lost to him.

He was trying to steady his breathing but he couldn't.

His emotions were rolling, crashing over him. The gutting feeling of loss once again cut through him like a knife and the anger he'd been holding onto was now directed back towards himself.

Why did he ruin everything he touched?

He didn't even realize that he was crying until he felt her hand softly caress his cheek, wiping away the stray tears that had managed to escape him without his notice.

"It's okay," she soothed and between his self-hatred and shame, he silently marvelled that even if she was afraid of him in this moment, she still managed to reach out to him in comfort. 

Once again, humanity had baffled him.

"It's alright," she murmured. "I'm sorry," her thumb stroked his cheekbone, rubbing gently and he couldn't bear it anymore. He was so unused to someone being gentle with him that it was a bit overwhelming.

Unable to fight himself any more, his head dropped low, forehead resting on her shoulder and he let her comfort him.

The anger left him, shoulders slumping in defeat.

The Devil just wanted to be loved. Wasn't that a laugh? 

Chloe was on the verge of whiplash from the ever changing mood swings. 

But right now, his anger had vanished completely and he was silently asking her to forgive him. Forgive the outburst because he was broken and sometimes he had no idea how to hold himself together. Especially when he was confronted out of the blue by his past.

His brow rested against her and she placed a hand on either side of his head, stroking his hair.

Leaning forward, she pressed a kiss to him.

"I forgive you."

Lucifer's whole body shivered against hers. 

Those words were the ones he longed to hear, would have given anything to hear coming from his Father all those millennia ago. But it sounded equally as beautiful, just as heavenly, coming from her. This vexing woman who was so immune to his charms, that made him feel things he'd never even considered to be real emotions before.

Without warning, his arms wrapped around her and he felt no compulsion to ever let go of her again.

His shoulders shook as he buried his face into her neck.

"I'm not him anymore," he admitted lowly, so low that she barely heard him. "I can never be him again. My Father will never love me like he did him. Sa-" he couldn't even say it himself. 

He had no idea why he was telling her this but it felt so good to get it off his chest, where it had rested for eons.

Maybe he was just tired of running away. 

"He was pure," Lucifer continued. "He was the one worthy of my Father's adoration. I'm not. Not like this."

Her heart clenched painfully in her chest and she felt compelled to rebel against the idea that he wasn't worth loving.

He was an asshole. He was rude and brash and he said things that would make a nun blush. He was a flirt and a playboy and he made her utterly crazy in both good and bad ways. He was her partner and her backup. Everything she needed when she needed it most.

And she adored him.

"Yes you are," she buried her face into his hair, eyes shut tightly.

He snorted softly, realizing that things were getting entirely too serious for his liking. He couldn't just spill himself to her like this. He was supposed to be untouchable. He was suddenly terrified of the vulnerability he'd just shown.

"You humans. So sentimental," he raised his head at last, bringing a hand up to stroke her cheek. 

His usual persona was slipping back into place. In a few seconds it would be like the exchange never happened.

That riled her up and she quickly pushed him backwards and out of her embrace. 

The surprise and her sudden outburst of strength threw him off balance and he thudded against a chair. "Bloody hell woman," he glowered at her, completely spun around by the loss of contact with her. 

She stood in front of him, hands on her hips and Lucifer's breath left him. 

She looked utterly stunning.

"You listen to me, you condescending asshole," she fumed. "You don't get to brush this off. You don't get to gloss over it by calling me sentimental when not two seconds ago you were the one who was crying on _me_ ," her voice softened and he looked away, unable to meet her eyes. "Stop pushing me away Lucifer. You don't need to."

He had the decency to look sheepish.

He never did seem to give humans as much credit as he should.

She wouldn't hurt him. That's what she was telling him. He'd had the ultimate burn. Long ago, when he'd given his all to his creator. Every ounce of his being was devoted to Him. To loving Him. 

Then he'd been rejected. Left to watch as He walked away like his favourite son was no longer worth the effort. 

All because he'd refused to love something more that he loved Him.

But here she was, innocent words reaching out and reassuring him. She wouldn't do that to him.

"I apologize," Lucifer swallowed. "I-I'm not exactly used to displaying so many horrible human emotions in one go." 

She stepped forward into his personal space, touched by his sudden vulnerability. His hand came up, suddenly needing contact with her. He cupped her cheek. "I promise not to scare you like that again, Chloe."

"And I promise not to bring up your past again. I won't ever call you anything but Lucifer from now on," she swore, assuming that was what he wanted to hear. But his eyes snapped to hers in a heartbeat and she faltered. "Unless you say otherwise?" 

It was a question that she didn't think he'd have an answer for.

But he was Lucifer. 

He had an answer for everything.

It was now or never, he realized. He could keep running. Keep rejecting himself. It had been so easy before. But now, standing in front of someone who had promised never to cast him aside, it was almost impossible.

"The way you said my name made me think, just for a few moments, that I was back where I belonged. It terrified me. And yet I loved it," he admitted, looking away from her.

The shock and anger was long gone now, leaving only the addictive longing to hear her say it again. She'd forgiven him. Given him the one other thing he'd burned for that his Father had refused him.

"Do you want me to call you by that name instead of Lucifer?" she asked softly, leaning into his touch where his hand had never left her cheek. 

"No. Just... just say it one more time. Please," he asked, standing up from where he'd rested on the back of the chair. His thumb was rubbing circles like hers had and this time, when he advanced on her, she didn't back away.

"Just the once?" she let him cup her face in his big hands, insides twisting in delight and her body seeking out the warmth of his.

"Once," he confirmed with a nod.

"Samael," the utterance was breathlessly followed by his lips finding hers. 

**Author's Note:**

> Well, that was heavy.
> 
> Lighter stuff next time. Probably smut... Okay, definitely smut.


End file.
